5 Once the woman leaves Mum's face falls into a frown She checks her watch and glances anxiously across the foyer just as Elle taps me on the shoulder That's when Mum sees us Except she sees Elle before me because she stands out way more than I do with her bright red mane like a beacon of light There you are Mum says relieved but I can hear the annoyance in her voice too I check the time Five minutes until the convention tickets are released I'm just going to the restroom I say Be back in a second Mum lets out a noise that sounds like a monster is living inside her She hands me my ticket barely looking looking at me now You'll have to find your seat alone she warns like I'm five years old and not thirteen Once Mum and Elle have disappeared inside the auditorium I run back outside the theater and back into the coffee shop where they have Wi Fi I log in to my account and watch the countdown Two minutes Did you want a drink the person behind the counter asks I stare at him blankly You're not really supposed to be in here without a drink he clarifies a little more sternly I hate being scolded My eyes dart between the coffee shop guy and the
5 countdown on my phone and I panic frozen I try to open my mouth but it's like it's glued shut I am not good under pressure with strangers So I just shake my head and run back out on to the street Well done Saff I think feeling embarrassed If Mum or Elle were here they would have been able to talk to him and say Yes just an orange juice please and buy the tickets to the gaming convention and everything would be fine Instead I stand on the street where the Wi Fi doesn't work and there's hardly any signal I try to load the page over and over until all the tickets have sold out and the page shows a big sad smiley face with a pop up bubble that says Maybe next year To make everything worse by the time I get back to the theater the play's already started Mum's going to be furious I slip into my seat after stepping on about five people's toes almost knocking a drink out of someone's someone's hand and getting a few tuts from older people And when I'm finally in my seat I shrink so low that I'm surprised I haven't morphed into a turtle hiding inside its shell I look over at Elle and she gives me a small thumbs up before turning back to the play Mum's next to her on the other side ignoring me I watch the two of them whisper to each other during the play like best friends At the interval Mum goes and grabs her and Elle an ice cream vanilla for Mum strawberry for Elle
7 She doesn't ask me even though she knows chocolate is my favorite Sorry she says I didn't realize you wanted one We both said before the play started that we would get them but you weren't here then Mum's all smiles and warmth but her eyes are a warning like a lioness ready to pounce Anyway did you count Mum asks turning to Elle Yes Elle says You were right Mum nods satisfied When the play is over I'm the first out I wait for Mum and Elle but they take ages Saff your mum said I could come over tonight for dinner Elle says when she finally catches up with me We're going to watch The Wizard of Oz Mum chimes in It's my favorite Elle You'll like it I think I'd love to see the theater performance of Wicked one day Elle and Mum walk off talking about the rest of the play heads bobbing enthusiastically I hang back a step or two They're both confident so it makes sense that they get along that their relationship is easy I should be glad but it's a bit like playing my favorite video game Fairy Hunters and my team wins even though I didn't cast a single good spell I want to be happy but I feel like I don't belong like I'm not good enough And the bad feeling takes over the good
8 I know it's weird not wanting Elle to come over because she's my best friend But Saturday nights are supposed to be our night Mum and me Ever since Mum and Dad divorced and I decided to live with Dad they set up these Saturday visits as part of the custody agreement Mum and I hang out in the afternoon and then we have dinner together and a sleepover Usually Mum cooks sometimes it's a takeaway takeaway but it's always just been the two of us Until today I can't help but think that maybe Elle's the daughter Mum should've had the daughter she would've wanted But instead she ended up with me
