Shine On, Luz Véliz!

Shine On, Luz Véliz! — page 3 — joint perfect tendons I’m thankful for one healthy knee Really I am But I’m sad too I used to have two of them I shove the ball to the very back of my closet behind a wall of cardboard bricks I used to make forts with Now for the posters of my soccer heroes I yank out each pushpin Down falls Abby Wambach top scorer of the US Women’s Team Down goes the World Cup team photo every neck with a gold medal and captain captain Megan Rapinoe raising the trophy high I crumple the posters into big wads and stuff them into the trash bag Mom says to stop looking back so here I am trying but it’s hard to forget Sometimes I flash into the past A memory memory will photobomb my brain Like that run That last day on the soccer field run It plays over and over in my head a YouTube video on continuous autoplay Legs pumping feet churning up the grass my body a missile speeding toward the goal I know the accident happened Obviously But at the same time it’s like I’m still running The goal getting closer and Mom cheering in the stands Dad shouting Pour it on which makes me run even faster Some me kept on running but I couldn’t go with her It’s like she went on without me to where I was supposed to go Now we’ll never find each other Instead of scoring I felt a leg sweep under me my body spinning backward the blur of another jersey and pain spiraling out from my knee and ankle Doctors would later 2

Shine On, Luz Véliz! — page 4 — tell me my anterior cruciate ligament tore my shin broke and my patella fractured All I knew then was a dark tunnel my vision gone and the screaming pain growing louder So maybe I am almost used to it now The leg I mean The pain meds and the therapy and the discussions about whether to do surgery At least I can walk No more crutches or canes I’m left with a wobbly knee they say Which means I can’t play soccer this spring or maybe ever I lost the thing I was best at The thing that filled three evenings a week and Saturday mornings gave me automatic friends at the local league and at school The thing that made me special Now I’m plain Luz Bran muffin girl instead of blueberry cinnamon And now Mom and Dad freak out if I race someone to the bus or charge up stairs two at a time or even walk fast if you can believe it They say my knee could give So yeah I’m getting used to the knee The thing that bothers me is Dad He hardly talks to me anymore It’s like he can’t get over it I guess I’m not surprised He coached me my whole life I held a soccer ball before I held a spoon they tell me Eleven years is a long time even to a grown up I haul my trash bag of soccer stuff to the living room where Dad’s up a ladder putting a new light fixture on the ceiling fan Does he see me at all Can I help I ask Maybe hand you some tools I’m kind of good at mechanical things I installed my own 3

Shine On, Luz Véliz! — page 5 — kitty cat light switch plate and I can build anything from LEGO bricks with or without the directions All I need is this screwdriver he says Can I just watch I say remembering how he used to let me help replace a door handle or change a light bulb If you really want to Lucita Which is my nickname He doesn’t say it with a smile though and my heart wilts a litt le He doesn’t notice the trash bag in my hands though it’s right in front of me and big as a Texas sage bush Before before before he was the head coach of Tri Cities Youth Soccer After after after he’s just Dad the landscaper He quit coaching the day I got hurt another parent took over He works his landscaping design business business Véliz Verde even on Saturdays now So fi ne I didn’t want to help with some old ceiling fan anyway I pull on my red jacket and head outside with the trash bag My plan Put my soccer life on the curb let the garbage garbage truck haul it away and dump the past into the past Luz Mom shouts Be careful on the driveway Be careful be careful be careful I know 4

Shine On, Luz Véliz! — page 6 — 2 2 I face sideways and take our super steep drive way slowly good leg first I hoist the trash bag with both hands It lands with a satisfying thump A voice carries from across the street A little early for trash day It’s Mr Mac pulling winter covers off his bushes He points to his wristwatch as he says a little early but his eyes smile Yup I say Never known you to be early Must be important Or smelly That’s what I like about Mr Mac He figures you know what you’re doing He figures you’ve got your reasons Mr Mac isn’t his full name It’s Mr MacLellan but we’re buddies so I get to say Mr Mac He was the first neighbor we met when we moved in and guess what he brought as a welcome gift Not cookies not tuna casserole casserole not some boring welcome card He brought a lamp

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