Halfway across the store I overheard the sales woman ask So she’s adopted No one ever thought I could hear that question but I always heard even when they didn’t come right out and say it Nope Mo whispered loudly as if everyone in the entire world needed to know her dad’s half Korean and I’m mostly Scottish with a dash of Lebanese Lebanese on my paternal grandfather’s side Sometimes I wish I had been adopted That would explain a lot Reluctantly I tried on the first suit and stared at myself in the three-way mirror Part of me still believed that one day I would wake up and find myself as I used to be scrawny and shapeless But standing under the fluorescent lights in a navy blue one-piece I looked curvier than ever Can I see Mo called from the other side of the curtain I bet that orange one with spaghetti straps is sensational This is a waste of time I don’t even like swimming swimming anymore Hang tight my mother commanded I’ll check the racks again I ignored her and changed back into my clothes 3
Nothing for you sweetie asked the sales woman as I handed her the pile of rejects I shook my head and found Mo by the bikinis She held one in front of me pastel pink and lacy Not a chance I hissed and we finally left We stopped for lunch at Mo’s favorite café Pita Pan in the center of Kettleboro and were seated outside under a striped umbrella As soon as we’d ordered Mo leaned in too close to my face Did you take a look at that book from the library I left on your bureau The one on becoming becoming a woman She grinned hard like she always does when explaining the facts of life as if we were in on a wonderful secret together Mo had given the becoming a woman lecture so many times I knew it by heart Always comparing comparing the amazing transformation to a caterpillar bursting into a butterfly or a bud blossoming into a flower as if butterflies and flowers had to deal with divorced parents or trying on new bathing bathing suits I wanted nothing to do with growing up I would 4
be perfectly fine living as a caterpillar in a cocoon or a closed bud for the rest of my life Remember it doesn’t usually happen all at once Mo continued You should see spotting first Gross I groaned Can you keep it down The whole restaurant can hear you She scanned the nearly empty patio You mean those two people sitting over in the corner They aren’t listening to us My dad Mo’s ex-husband sometimes calls her a bulldozer because she plows over everything in her path to pave her own wide road I know it isn’t as if she purposely talks too loudly or sits too close or offends strangers with her public comments but I wish there was a library book she could read on becoming a normal mother I really don’t want to talk about it I said through clenched teeth especially not here For crying out loud said Mo after diving into the basket of complementary pita chips and stuffing several into her mouth it’s the most natural thing in the world The thought of blood seeping uncontrollably from my body every month for the next 35 to 40 years sounded like the most unnatural thing in the 5
world It seemed only fair that I got a choice in all of this or at the very least a few more years to be a kid I had just turned twelve less than a month ago Mo reached over and squeezed my hand I tried to pull away but she held tighter I want you to know Agnes that the conversation conversation is always open You’ll experience a lot of changes and there’s nothing you can’t ask me Got it Agnes That’s what my father allowed my bulldozing bulldozing mother to name me My older sister and I were named after Mo’s grandmothers Nana Vivian and Granny Agnes According to Mo my sister couldn’t say her name Vivian when she was little and called herself Viva which basically means live it up Of course everyone thought that was adorable so Viva stuck And it fits her perfectly Viva has always been wild and brave as if nothing scares her Seven years after my sister’s arrival I was born But I talked early and in full sentences which meant I pronounced my name flawlessly So unfortunately for me Agnes stuck A couple of years ago my best friend Megan tried calling me Aggie but that sounded even worse like something you’d call an old donkey 6
