This book is dedicated to Gary Marshall Tom Miller and Eddie Milkis because they taught me everything I know about television AND Stacey always H W For Anarres Elettra and the new baby girl too May you always read and laugh L O
1 This was no way to celebrate a birthday I could hear the breath escaping from my third lung the one that kicks into gear when I’m terrified The red dust that covers my planet clouded my eyes all six of them But there was no time to unscrew them and soak them in fermented beetle legs which as I’m sure you know is the only way to clean intergalactic dust off your retinas The Squadron was gaining on me I could feel the heat of their laser beams nipping at the suction cups that cover the bottom of my feet Run I thought to myself like your life depends on it Which it did Citizen Short Nose one of the Squadron commanders yelled Stop immediately There is no escape for you Don’t you dare stop Grandson Short Nose my grandmother grandmother said panting I could hear the exhaustion in her
voice Being chased by the deadliest assault squadron in the galaxy is not easy when you’re 987 years old I glanced out of my two rear eyes and saw my grandmother grandmother falling behind My sensory enhancer the trunk like appendage that grows out of my upper back must have smelled her fear It’s good at that just like it’s good at enhancing all our other senses like taste touch sight and hearing Instinctively my enhancer stretched out to grab my grandmother’s hand She slapped it away and I felt the sting reverberate through my body Don’t help me Grandson Short Nose she wheezed with her last bit of energy Escape from here and meet your destiny I can’t leave you grandmother Wrinkle This is our plan grandson My life is nearing its end Yours is just beginning
Those were the last words I heard her say as the Squadron Squadron threw a titanium net over her frail body We have the old one the commander shouted Surrender Surrender now and you both will survive Survival was not my goal Living was There was no way I could live my life if I stayed here They would neutralize me Deactivate my sensory enhancer Eliminate my ability to experience all the wonders of life Turn me into one of them robotic joyless dead No I couldn’t I wouldn’t I summoned the strength to run even faster forcing myself not to look back The red sun was setting and I had to be at the Cemetery before the moonrise was complete or I would never be able to break out of my planet’s gravitational gravitational pull But my stupid suction cups were not helping me Here’s a piece of advice for you if you need to get somewhere somewhere fast remove all suction cups from your feet
