he’d be thirteen while Faith remained three forever Thirteen should feel momentous it should feel like the beginning of a whole new universe It should start with a big bang Instead thirteen was going to be the saddest year yet Finn was the lopsided remainder remainder in an unbalanced equation the unstable particle Always the boy left behind He trudged back up the driveway and behind the house Even the moon wasn’t there for him He was too late It was already hidden behind the mountain A few early morning stars remained twinkling in commiseration He climbed through his window pulling the sash down quietly till the rubber insulation insulation met and sealed him inside Finn you’d better be packing Dad yelled from the living room I AM Finn stood in front of the bookshelf scanning the spines and doing the math He figured a three-day weekend at Gran’s house meant he’d need four books minimum It wasn’t easy to choose which ones to reread He had gotten pretty close to recreating all of 4
Feynman’s original Caltech diagrams but that project project was beginning to lose its appeal Dad staggered past the open door carrying a large suitcase Finn No daydreaming You always do this He stopped himself Lately everything Dad said to him was cut off mid-sentence I’m late enough as it is Finn bristled Anyone could see this wasn’t day dreaming It was deliberating He and Dad had never lived on the same wavelength but the disconnect between them had gotten worse since Mom left Mom understood him She liked to hear about what he discovered in his science journals At least that’s what he’d always believed What if his birthday came and went and he still heard nothing from Mom Maybe being around him had finally become too hard for her Maybe he was why she left After all his very existence was a constant constant reminder of what she’d lost He packed five books to be on the safe side Carl Sagan was already in his backpack along with his tablet which held at least ten articles he’d downloaded downloaded from various scientific journals He’d bring the diagram notebook too just in case 5
Dad’s car rushed through Dorset’s narrow backroads The patches of dry leaves burst into autumn confetti confetti outside Finn’s window He leaned his forehead against the glass and let out a deep sigh fogging it up and muting the riot of color outside It’s not fair Even Finn winced at the sound of his voice like a little kid’s whine But really why did a man taking a leave of absence to spend quality time with his son still have so much work Come on said Dad it’s only till Monday And you love Gran Of course I love Gran Would you prefer I drop you off with one of your great-aunts instead They’re only another five minutes down the road He was joking No parent even highly disconnected disconnected oblivious Dad would subject a kid to either one of Gran’s sisters Aunt Ev would vacillate vacillate between forgetting Finn was alive and talking his ears off while Aunt Billie was a nightmare of angles all elbows knuckles and knees topped off with a sharp tongue Finn had never once seen that woman smile If it weren’t for the nasty comments that sometimes escaped her pursed lips he would swear they were sewn together 6
I just want to be home in my own room Why can’t I stay home I’m old enough No you’re not Twelve is I’ll be thirteen next week I know that Finn You think I don’t know your birthday Finn didn’t bother to answer He watched the wind whip up a miniature cyclone of leaves Mom used to call them whirligigs If it gets dull you can call Gabi to come over and visit Gran would love that Right Sure Like Gabi wouldn’t already have plans with all her new friends No point in telling Dad that he’d actually messaged Gabi last night to ask if she could hang out this weekend Usually they’d spend hours texting or chatting online Finn summarizing summarizing articles he’d read Gabi launching into detailed fantasy book reviews Lately though the exchanges had mostly consisted of Gabi asking if he’d heard from his mom or gotten any more information out of his dad It was getting on Finn’s nerves Gabi was under the mistaken impression that all you needed to do was ask a question Maybe that was how it was with New York families like the Rands but it sure didn’t work that way in his 7
