wanted to wear something on your head there was a perfectly good item designed for that too It was called a hat Lily sneaked a brief glance at the other girls in her class At the front of the line Miss Lucretia Blackwell had her prim nose stuck in the air and three copies of Sensible Etiquette for the Best Occasions balanced on her perfectly coiffed hair Second came Miss Alice Harvey who had seven copies of Butterwick’s Guide to Better Manners balanced on her doughnut plait With that monstrous hair-buncle it was no surprise she never dropped a single copy Miss Gemma Ruddle was next She had four precarious copies of The Ladies Manual of Politeness balanced and would stop after each step and pretend to scratch her ear so she could adjust her leaning tower of literature Lily had long ago noticed the other girls never read in posture class thinking and walking simultaneously was too difficult for them She doubted a single important thought ever floated through their minds If Spring-Heeled Jack or Varney the Vampyre or the air-pirates or any of the other blackguards who roamed England ever caught any of those girls in a dark alley they’d be dead for sure Dead before they’d practiced their conversational French dead before they’d politely discussed the weather or asked Tea or coffee In short dead before their perfectly poised bodies struck the cobbles And what use was deportment to one dead No use It seemed
No use whatsoever Stop the Kraken yelled and one by one the girls stopped in a neat line behind her All except Lily who having failed to notice her untied shoelaces tripped stepped on Gemma’s foot and fell Ouch Gemma staggered forward clutching at Alice to try and keep her balance but in vain her four copies of The Ladies Manual of Politeness slipped from her head Careful Alice cried dropping seven copies of Butterwick’s Guide to Better Manners Thud-thud-thud-thud-thud-thud Thud Lucretia wobbled from side to side grasping at the top of her head but she was too late Three copies of Sensible Etiquette for the Best Occasions slipped from her brow and scattered at her feet in a crash of fluttering pages Why don’t you pay attention you galumphing lump the Kraken shouted What’ve you got to say for yourself Lily gazed up from the sea of fallen books Was the woman talking to her Sorry she tried The Kraken huffed I said WHAT-HAVE-YOU-GOT-TO SAY-FOR-YOURSELF Oh never mind She took The Oxford Guide to Perfect Poise from her head and threw it at Lily who ducked as the heavy volume glanced past her ear You’ve been reading You’re not allowed to read in my class I thought And no thinking either The Kraken folded her arms across her chest She’d turned a most putrid shade of puce it
perfectly matched her purple dress Perhaps it was her tight corsets that made her face flush so The bell rang and the other girls scrabbled across the floor grabbing their books and slamming them shut They piled the volumes on the Kraken’s desk and lined up against the wall waiting for the signal to leave You may go the Kraken said waving them off with a hand and the crocodile of young ladies filed out whispering maliciously to one another Lily dusted down her tights and stood to join them Not you Miss Grantham I want words with you The Kraken waddled towards her Why is it you think you can ignore my lessons in favor of these tall tales She plucked the schoolbook from Lily’s hands and examined the gory magazine hidden inside its pages paying particular attention to the image of a bloody corpse with bat wings Where on earth did you get this balderdash Papa sent it in his last care package Miss He knows I like the penny dreadfuls Does he indeed The Kraken looked unimpressed Lily continued He believes one should read a lot wider than deportment manuals if one plans to get an exceptional education Don’t you agree The Kraken weighed the magazine in her hand No she said I don’t Besides this sort of bunkum is not approved of by the academy It has no educational value It teaches piracy and air combat And what young lady needs to know that The Kraken
took a deep breath No I’m afraid Miss Grantham I have to confiscate it And if you’ve any similar stories you’d better hand them over right away Lily shrugged I don’t have a single other magazine of that kind Nonsense You’ve one there I beg your pardon Where The one you’re hiding The Kraken craned her neck trying to see what Lily had behind her back Lily passed the magazine from her left hand to her right I don’t know what you mean Give it to me The Kraken held out her shovel of a palm Fine Lily glowered handing over Spring-Heeled Jack and the Blackguards There That wasn’t so hard was it The Kraken wedged both magazines under her sweaty armpit No Ma’am Good The Kraken handed Lily back her schoolbook Remember she said wagging a single finger if you’ve any more of these dreadful things you can be sure I’ll find them Now run along You don’t want to be late for your next lesson And straighten your pinny it’s wrinkled as an elephant’s ear Yes Ma’am Good afternoon Ma’am Lily brushed at her creased pinny with ink-stained fingers and gave the Kraken a curtsy but when the woman returned to her desk Lily stuck her tongue out at her broad retreating backside Then with as much poise as she could
