kidney pudding Certainly not tinned spam kidney pudding In some ways Dad’s all right but he sure has a talent for embarrassing me I mean he tries his hard est to be cool which means getting sailor tattoos and riding a longboard which is nothing short of a cringe-a-thon for me Thing is everyone at school actually seems to think he’s pretty rad Cooler than me in fact Same goes for Mum Mum is a beauty vlogger Her videos get over a hun dred thousand views and her photos get ten times as many likes as mine It’s all mega-awkward Leah’s mum is the geography teacher at school who everyone’s scared of and talks about her moustache behind her back and Ruby’s mum is a prison warden but sometimes I think 9
I’d prefer that to having parents who your classmates follow for tips on eyeliner We’re going to have a real heart-to-heart about this Squidge said Dad Right when I get finished with all my emails And my messages And my texts And my photos And we’re going to spend some time getting your little head around that very expensive bit of silver alloy titanium sitting over there unused with the brainpower of a thousand Blue Robinsons aren’t we he said pointing at my laptop I nodded meekly Well anyway I spoke to Mrs Froggatt and we both decided that punishment should be constructive You deserve to be punished of course you’re a miscreant Blue Do you know what we do with miscreants Dad asked No eating carrots for an hour I asked hopefully Near enough we round up all the miscreants together he said with a Gang Lion-style master villain grin Which is why you’ll be babysitting Oscar McGrath tonight But Dad that’s so Hang on a minute I haven’t finished Two missed IT classes in a week means two punishments in a 10
week You’ll also be coming with me to work during take-your-child-to-work day Then again as if that’s a punishment How about a making-up fist pump he said holding out his fist Dad really knows how to get the week off to the worst start 11
