Letters from an Alien Schoolboy

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 7 — Thats not a meteor that’s Earth you he said And it’s not heading for US WE’RE heading for IT Bert rolled down the central aisle smashing up all the seating and ripping our pong-ping net to shreds I’ve never seen him move so fast He tore the controls out of Flyzoop’s suckers and zapped all twelve ABORT buttons Too late one missile had already launched We watched it zooming towards Earth That’s our mission finished before it’s begun said Papa It turned out Flyzoop’s aim is as hopeless as his piloting The missile shot past Earth and exploded on an even more insignificant dot called Pluto I don’t think Pluto is inhabited said Papa At least not by intelligent life as we know it But then neither is Earth Editor’s note This book may be read by younglings Please insert the word nincompoop 8

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 8 — ANTI-GRAVITY BLASTERS ON ACTIVATE ANTI-MATTER SHIELDS INITIATE REPULSION MAGNET MOBILIZE HOVER MODE Bert was a blur of flashing lights and robot arms spinning in all directions It was just as well we’d brought him with us because Flyzoop was crouching in the cockpit with his suckers covering all seventeen eyeballs and moaning We’re going to die I want my moms Earth hurtled closer a horrible sight Back in the days of the Eighth and Ninth Quadratic Wars there were real pilots who could land a burning battle cruiser even if two of their heads and most of their arms had been shot off said Papa But this flurfling apology for a pilot even forgot to switch on the anti-matter shields He messaged back to Faa Mission aborted We are about to die Goodbye 9

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 9 — Mama and Farteeta looped about uselessly Pluke and I helped Bert because I am brave as a true Faathing should be and because Pluke is my noble pet who would lay down his life for me We managed to activate the Hover Mode just thirteen feet from Earth’s surface and the hover blades missed the ancient Earthlings by 0 2 centimeters and set light to a bunch of trees unfriendly green vegetables not a bit like the chatty urqflurbles in which you and I first learned to climb back home on Faa None of us could find the memory-blaster in time to wipe the memories of the two old Earthlings but luckily for us once the anti-matter shields were up we became invisible so it didn’t matter how much they shouted and screamed about an alien attack because no other Earthlings believed them So now we’ve transformed into our Earthling disguises and are settling in to our unpleasant 10

Letters from an Alien Schoolboy — page 10 — ALIENS attacked us Yes yes Have a nice cup of tea My bag was swallowed by a BLACK HOLE It was a manhole dwelling All you can see from its portholes are rows of identical dwellings and gray streets The first message from home was your 11

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