secret compartments fake laughter machines fake fog makers fake feet fake teeth that you wind up fake teeth that you stick in your mouth fake gum that snaps people’s fingers fake dog poop or fake people poop But the fake mustaches are just too good They're made out of real human mustache hair Apparently there are men in Belgium who grow their mustaches for a year then cut them off and sell them to the Heidelberg Novelty Company This makes the fake mustaches really expensive But they're worth it if you really want a good fake mustache which you don't It'll only lead to trouble That's what I'm trying to tell you If you buy one you get this stuff called spirit gum for free That's what you use to stick the mustache to your face It really works and it makes the mustache look really really real I didn't buy one My friend Casper Bengue bought one I got this sticky hand on the end of a sticky stretchy rubber kind of thing It s called the Super Sticky Hand You can flick it a long way and it'll stick to whatever it lands on like a penny maybe and then the rubber band part will zip it back to you with the penny The hand comes in a little plastic egg so that the stickiness doesn't wear off in your pocket It might seem like a stupid thing to choose but maybe it was my destiny rather than just a dumb idea Either way it's a good thing I got it because otherwise well'm not sure what would have happened but it would have been bad in a huge earthshaking TV news special report kind of way Actually things turned out bad in a huge earth shaking TV news Special report kind of way anyway But that wasn't
because of the sticky hand That was because of the fake mustache It was Casper who wanted to buy the best most expensive fake mustache at Sven's Look at this Lenmy he said to me at his birthday party I was the only one who came My nana Nookums gave me four hundred dollars Casper's parents are hippies who don't believe in buying anything unnecessary but every once in a while his rich grandmother gives him money and makes him promise to buy something as unnecessary as possible That's why Casper's family has a doorbell that says welcome in the voices of two hundred different country and western stars but they don't have regular stuff that every other family has like a TV Nana Nookums wants me to buy a PlayStation Awesome I said But how can you play a Play Station without a TV Precisely said Casper It's absolutely pointless for me to follow my nana Nookums's orders So I think that means I can ethically spend the money any way I want to Really Are you going to buy a TV Of course not I'm going to buy a fake mustache What A four hundred dollar fake mustache No the one I've had my eye on the Heidelberg Handlebar Number Seven is 129 99 at Sven's Fair Price Store I'm going to uIse the rest of the money to get a first class man about town suit Why do you need a first class man about town suit You're not a man about
I'm not now but that's only because I don't have the suit yet Anyway you want to come with me downtown I'm going right now Sure I
HHHHHHH LOVELY DOWNTOWN HAIRSPRINKLE've heard that people in other towns say Hairsprinkle is a very strange place Maybe because nothing ever changes here Back like a hundred years ago lots of towns had trolley cars that went right down the middle of the street on tracks just like little trains Eventually people got their own cars and didn't want trolley cars anymore and got tired of bumping over the trolley tracks all the time So all these towns paved over the tracks and sold the trolleys for scrap But not Hairsprinkle Hairsprinkle still has its trolleys and you can still ride them for ten cents The people in Hairsprinkle won't elect anyone to be mayor unless he or she promises to never change a thing My dad Lenny Flem Sr says that it costs a ton of money to keep the trolleys running and the ten cent fare doesn't even begin to pay for it and that's why his taxes are so high and he's sick of it But'm not sick of it I love riding the trolleys One of them goes down Hair Avenue just two blocks down Sprinkle Street from where me and Casper live So it's not a big deal to tell our parents we're
