Some of the personal names included in this book have been changed or only first names included to protect the privacy of those concerned
To My Family How deprived we would have been if we had been willing to let things stay as they were We would have survived but not as a whole people We would never have known our place
THE HOSPITAL The hospital again and the echo of my reluctant feet through the long empty corridors I hated hospitals and hospital smells I hated the bare boards that gleamed with polish and the flashes of shiny chrome that snatched my distorted shape as we hurried past I was a grubby five year-old in an alien environment Sometimes I hated Dad for being sick and Mum for making me visit him Mum only occasionally brought my younger sister and brother Jill and Billy I was always in the jockey’s seat My presence ensured no arguments Mum was sick and tired of arguments We reached the end of the final corridor The Doors were waiting for me again Big chunky doors covered in green linoleum The linoleum had a swirl of white and the pattern reminded me of one of Mum’s special rainbow cakes cream with a swirl of pink and chocolate I thought they were magic There was no magic in The Doors I knew what was behind them Sometimes I pretended Dad wasn’t really sick I imagined that I’d walk through The Doors and he’d be smiling at me Of course I’m not sick he’d say Come 7
and sit on my lap and talk to me And Mum would be there laughing and all of us would be happy Our entry into the ward never failed as a major event The men there had few visitors We were as important as the Red Cross lady who came around selling lollies and magazines Well look who’s here they called I think she’s gotten taller what d’ya reckon Tom Fancy seeing you again little girl I knew they weren’t really surprised to see me it was just a game they played After such an enthusiastic welcome Mum would prompt me to talk Say hello darling she encouraged as she gave me a quick dig in the back My silences were embarrassing to Mum She usually told everyone I was shy Actually I was more scared than shy I felt if I said anything at all I’d just fall apart There’d be me in pieces on the floor I was full of secret fears The men on the ward didn’t give up easily They continued their banter in the hope of winning me over Come on sweetie come over here and talk to me one old man coaxed as he held out a toffee My feet were glued to the floor I couldn’t have moved even if I’d wanted to This man reminded me of a ghost His close-cropped hair stood straight up like toothbrush nylon His right leg was missing below the knee and his loose skin reminded me of a plucked chicken He tried to encourage me closer by leaning forward and holding out two toffees I waited for him to fall out of bed I was sure he would if he leant any further I kept telling myself he wasn’t really a ghost just an 8
