INCOMMUNICADO the only thing worst than being the poorest kid in town is being the poorest kid in the poorest town Number two never wear anything to school your mother buys at a church rummage sale In a town like ours someone’s bound to recognize it That was in the fall of 1938 more than three years ago and I can still hear the laughter after I left that cafeteria and walked down the hall to my classroom where I grabbed my coat also second-hand and rode my bike home I can still feel the sting of the rain on my steaming face I think the whole town of Sea Park Oregon population 542 is still laughing about it Today I’m a twelve-year-old seventh grader stuck smack-dab between being that skinny dress-less girl and a half-grown lady-in-waitin That’s what my oh-so Southern mother calls it That’s me a lady-in-waitin and I don’t even know what I’m waitin for Mom does though She also calls this change-over thing pooooo berty Yes that’s what she called it when I got the facts of life lecture pooooo-berty Sounds more like what you’d name a dang lap dog Anyway pooooo-berty and me are on a first-name basis The curse pimples greasy hair these bumpy chesty things and all So far twelve is a raw deal I fight it sometimes this whole pooooo-berty thing Sometimes I can’t wait to grow up and sometimes I just want to stay a kid And that back and forth tug-of-war is kind of the reason I am where I am now sitting in Sheriff 3
RANDALL PLATT Hillary Dutton’s office with my older brother Rex staring down at the complaint form (cid:116)(cid:1)(cid:116)(cid:1)(cid:116) I don’t care if you did it or not I don’t care if Martians landed and painted those lion statues eyeballs I don’t care if Franklin Roosevelt and his dog Fala did it You are now officially the one responsible the sheriff says to Rex pointing her cigarette lighter shaped like a tiny pistol at him You can tell she’s said that line more than once This is what it means now whenever anything goes wrong in Sea Park no matter who does what my brother Rex Alan Stokes will be blamed for it Here’s why Sheriff Hillary Dutton picks a high school boy to officially take the blame for any prank or joke or vandalism the kids in town do She calls the position Town Hood She says since she’s the only cop around she just doesn’t have time to deal with us kids and the stuff we do to kill the boredom or impress each other and the tourists Just about every boy has to take a turn at being Town Hood Being Town Hood is sort of like being drafted only you don’t get a uniform a gun and a ticket out of town Town Hood is half Public Enemy Number One and half town janitor The Town Hood will make sure all the other kids toe the line so he doesn’t take the rap for anything I might be the only one but I think it’s a Badge of Honor and I sure want to wear it Being the first-ever girl Town 4
INCOMMUNICADO Hood has been my first-ever goal in life I love being a first-ever like I was the first-ever girl to take off her dress in a school cafeteria Hey I painted those lions eyeballs crost-eyed Make me Town Hood I pipe up The sheriff looks at me and says I guess you might have a crack at being our first girl Town Hood someday But not today What about Billy McCormick Just last week he snuck into the Majestic Theater and lifted a box of Milk Duds Rex says How do you know she asks lighting another cigarette and swishing away the smoke I was standing right next to him when he did it Well as of now it’s your fault You know how this works Rex As the T H you’re officially to blame for any delinquent behavior Make sure all the boys get wind of this Some boys send around a memo Sheriff Hillary says Jerry Adams even took out an ad in the Sea Park Sentinel Then she turns to me and says And you missy You of all people need to straighten up and fly right If I got two bits for every time someone has told me that I could buy those stupid lion statues and paint them yellow with little pink polka dots But this whole Town Hood thing is Draconian Rex says About the most uncivilized thing I’ve ever heard of And I’ll bet it’s unconstitutional I know it’s unethical Even England did away with whipping boys centuries ago 5
RANDALL PLATT That’s Rex all over I never understand half of what he says like he swallowed a dictionary But Rex can go on and on about his political opinions which he has on everything and pretty soon my own eyes go crost just like those lion statues Get yourself a soap box and head over to the park son Sheriff Hillary says shuffling some papers around on her desk And Rex goes on guilt by association is not guilt It’s association and nothing more What are you a lawyer she asks giving him a look of disgust No but I will be someday And then I’m coming back here and suing everyone he barks Fine Until then Clarence Darrow you’ll have to settle for Town Hood Aw come on Sheriff Hillary I’m too busy with my senior year to babysit all those other kids Give a guy a break She makes like she’s playing an invisible violin Rex points a finger at her and says You know what you are You’re an autocrat No a fascist No a dictator That’s what you are A regular Hitler She looks up at him and there’s something kind of sad in her face No son I’m just a small-town cop filling in until her husband’s hitch is up See her husband Sheriff Norm Dutton joined the Navy over a year ago the summer of 1940 and Hillary 6
